yes, this is a cry for help

i've just cut all my hair off.
yes, i know i said it a lot of times before, and it was just a trim
but this time its for real.
i did it :)
and now i feel a lot happier.
i know i'm going to regret this tomorrow
but i'm also going to enjoy your reactions.

ahahhhahhahahhaha.
i feel so carefree now that i've let go of everything.
i'd like to think of it as an act of defiance against.. life.
or whatever it is i'm defying.

be my pete wentz and i'll be your ashlee simpson!

13 december.
fuck.
why is that day so popular?
double booked again; this time more important.
duke of ed camp or pg1 yr9 party?
i was really really really looking forward to both.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
why does this always happen to me?
it's not fair.
i hope it rains. really really hard. so hard that the camp is postponed.

duke of ed camp is so inconvienient. this is the second fucking time.
first was missing out on korean proficiency test, which by the way cost 30$.
this time it's more. because it's all for free. the food. and everything.
i feel like cinderella. i can't go to the ball because of my chores. and all this other crap.
except for the fact that i'm not pretty, i don't have a fairy godmother and i most certainly don't have a prince charming waiting for me at the ball.
probably.

oh back in the days when i had a hearty heart..

xylophone

past two days were much fun :)
i hope i become a peer support leader. as much for the experience as for the badge.
for the paper thing, i forgot to throw my paper in so i only got like. 6 compliments.
some of them were really weird =/
but still, i appreciated them.
half the time i'm under the impression you all hate me and think i'm stupid.
i still think that, but just a little less now.
cz anyone can write nice messages on a piece of paper, but just how much of it do they really mean?
enough to make me happy, i guess.

today i left my huge umbrella at pennant hills station.
coz i gave it to kristie to hold and she put it down and never picked it up again.
F*CK. that was new. and. not mine.
my mum gave me a harsh talking to when i got home.
which made me sad again :(
oh wells.

zorry i needa blog starting with z

i have darlin i need ya by kid confucius and the happy song by killert00thbrush stuck in my head both at the same time. = mixture of happy sunhineyness.
today on the way back from school, on the bus i saw this truck from afar and it read
S
E
X

G
O
D

in my head i was like- damn, i wish i had a camera.
but i didn't. coz my phone got confiscated in the beginning of the year.
upon closer investigation, i realised that in a smaller, less noticable font, it actually read :
Southern
Eastern
Xpress

Guaranteed
Overnight
Delivery!

i hope they didn't do that intentionally. we have 3 year olds driving tonkas nowadays.
good things seem to happen where i least expect it.
i actually passed my english and jap exams with marks that were almost pleasing.
that was really suprising.
i almost smiled at my results for once.

ovaltini psychology

for the past 3-4 weeks (yearly weeks)
i've been plagued with the same thought over and over again.
what if i were to die tomorrow?
that lead to a
why am i doing this?
what the hell am i doing with my life?
am i happy?
if i were to die tomorrow.. what would i do?
no, it didn't really make me do or say anything i'd like to say before i die..
but it did make me fail all my tests because i stopped caring.
i'm always worrying about tomorow, next week, my future.
looking forward to things, imagining things that might happen later on
and never paying attention to the present.
see, today in itself is such a bother and a worry. tomorrow can look after itself.
why should i have to study a whole week just so in 3 years time i wont fail a series of tests which i need to ace to get in a good university to get a good job- all for what?
to lead a good life i might not even lead?
it never really struck me this hard that if i die, nothing will matter.
then my suffering would have been for nothing.
i'd have been ripped off, and that would you know, really suck.

it also made me realise most of my actions are limited and controlled by fear.
for example i've always wanted to run through a carwash when i was young but my brother said the spinny things will tear my head off and kill me.
so i didn't. not that they'd have let me anyways.
it also keeps me from being honest with certain people about certain things. because i'm afraid it'll affect our relationship long-termwise.
i'm afraid of doing drugs coz i might wind up with nerve problems when im 60
i'm afraid of overreating coz i might get fatter than i already am
i'm .. afraid of making mistakes, of failing, of regretting things of - oh screw this.
watching people get fucked over doesn't help much either, because it just makes me more aware just how dangerous and risky everything is.
which encourages me to hole up in my room in solitary confinement.
i'm going to try stop now. and attempt at living like tomorrow i'm going to die.

but.. im afraid of the consequences that might follow :(
and wishing i never did anything so.. spontaneous.
i'm afraid of a lot of things, im afraid.

memoirs of moi

hahahhaha
school reunion was .
not as good as i'd anticipated.
still, i left with a much higher self esteem.
mostly because one of the bitches who fucked me over in primary school is now fat and about a head shorter than me.
and she acts like me in yr7. i've no doubts about her intellegence level being about the same as that either.
so lame. so stupid. so pathetic
thast was enough to send my head up in the clouds
one of the boys were developing a moustache. LOL>LOLOL

my friend is 185cm now. the moustache guy is taller.
195? o____O
hawwwly shaaaaaaaaaaack. i feel so short.
+ they're both skinnier than me.
oh wells.

benkyou ga dekimasu

m-my owl shirt (u)
i hate you i hate you i hate you

childcare today.
it's actually made me realise that males aren't all born evil,
they just grow up and gradually become.. what they are at my age.
which is .. unpleasant, rude and rather lacking in more ways than one.
of course, this is just another stereotype but someone has yet to prove me wrong.
those that do pass are just lesser females in diguise :)

dilemma time!

what a typical dilemma.
school friends? primary school friends? or family?

see, this weekend there's wendy's party.
which i was really looking forward to.
what skipped my mind was that this weekend i also go camping with my family and karen's family.
which i was also really really looking forward to.
but this weekend there's also primary school reunion.
and.. i haven't seen my friends in yoinks.
although there are some sons of bitches id rather not see ever again, id meet them 34939843 times to see my friends again :)
so yeah. im leaning towards school reunion.
although i hated primary school.
my friends were really rad <3

oh fuck. i can't go. stupid parents already booked everything.
at least karen's coming with me.. aren't you?

oh yeah.

i have irrational fears of many things.
for example i can't take cockeroaches or spiders or any insect of the kind.
they flitter and flutter and if you squash them they leave gross juice marks.
i'm scared of falling from great heights, therefore i am scared of heights.
i am scared of big things. like. monsters. bigfoot. abominable snowman. bears. everything like that.
solid things that are bigger and fatter than me and are capable of killing me simply by sitting on me. that means im scared of a lot of teachers too =D
especially when they have that lolloping gait, swinging their arms violently around.
that really really really freaks me out.

what doesn't freak me out, however is things like ghosts.
satan. demon. i don' tthink they exist. and even if they do, i've nothing to fear.
ive got a bigger power on my side *smirks*

*saves

edit: i think i know the reason i am scared of big things well.. things taller than me and thicker than me adn stuff. that walk like.. with stomping feet and have big arms and walk very fast. and have quick, agile and violent movements.
it's because that is the image of my -
and that's been his image since i was very, very young. perhaps ever sincei was born.
one day i'm going to defeat the evil giant but even then i will still be scared.


bastard, he'll pay for this in the afterlife.

unforgettable experiences 08'

- hiking up and walking 5-10km in the blistering heat with black skinny jeans

- falling 2m into a pit of 4 week old water with sharp objects from which i have scars on my legs

- getting lost in anglican villages for 2 hours and eventually finding my way out and getting home at around 8pm (WITH NO PHONE)

- being stranded at epping station lugging around a bag full of goodies and a lamp. with no money or phone.

- living a whole year without a mobile phone, or a social life.

- going a term without any internet

i've got a dark alley and a bad idea.
peow peow peow.


i will find my niche in your car
wiht my mp3 dvd rumble packed guitar
i don't see what anybody sees
in anyone else

but you.

or not. il just keep reading fall out boy blogs =/

raining in my head

oh, how i love the city.
especially when it rains.

champagne for my real friends; real pain for my sham friends

just to let you know, just in case you didn't know
i love you guys =D
thankyou for being my friends.
and sticking around even though i can get really irritable and annoying.
without yous idno what i'd be or do.
plus school would really suck shit without everyone mucking around and making weird noises and telling lame jokes.
including those verses of rhymes we make up to "cheer" people on o_o


thankyou =]

but this doesn't extend much further to my other "friends"
just to let you know, i know pretty much who you all are.
and i know just what you're doing and what you want from me.
it's just a matter of time till you'll be done with me and start abandoning me,
don't you be getting cocky with me. the fact's true in converse too.
it'll just be a matter of time until i'll be sick of using you and be kicking you out of my world, my dear one-timer friend <3

ain't it a wonderful day?

YAYAYYAYYAYAYYAYA.
YEARLIES ARE OVER. NOW I CAN BE FREEEEE~
<3

i even skipped tennis to hang out with my friends for the first time in .. wait.. that really could be my first time since the year started o_o
havent done ddr for aages. i suck now.
I COULD BARELY DO EXPERT. ASDHOASD I SUCK NOW T__T


eugenie's place is fun.
we tried to make peanut butter shortcake but it was an epic fail.
ester just ended up mixing peanut butter with flour with all this other shit and it came out all clumpy and it looked disgusting but it tasted okay with ice cream.
but everything tastes okay with ice cream.

times so hard

you know, a bad day, i can take.
two, fine.
but when life continuously spams me with the shittiest days ever, i really do get pissed off.
yet another day of yearlies.

Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk.

in science i literally pulled up blanks on every second question. almost.
i skipped a whole table and a coupla other questions.
some i just stupidly got wrong coz i like to play "answer the question without reading the instructions!"
still, mighta gotten a bit over 50% if im lucky.
not bad for a person who sleeps, eats and talks during science.
what if i fail it :(
not that i care. >_>

thank you. i really mean it.

AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart
Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality.



WOW IM SPESH :)
HOW DISTURBINGLY ACCURATE THAT WAS?!?!

and to think, nicole and megan are exactly like that too!

yes, i'm talking to you

dear god,
what is it really all about?
what does it all mean?

i don't get it.
my head seems to be imploding.

but i would be eternally grateful if you just. stop time tomorrpw.
preferably just before the maths exam and let me drift off into limbo land where a giant pink grapefruit rules over candy trees and money grows out of the soil.
that would be ace.

k thx bye.
p.s. no, i don't expect you to really stop time. but plz plz plz help me somehow pass maths test at least =/
countin on you.

suffering from insomnia.
my brain is being split open for display by this stupid blog.

comprehende compadre?

rachel is a fucking genius

every day, every hour
got a chicken nugget in my pocket got a chicken in my pocket

click me =3

.. OH MY GOD TOP IS SO CUTEOOL
OIASHDOHSDFOIASHDOISAH
ASIFJDSOFHSDHFIODSHFO
ASODHODAHFIOSDHFO
SOIHDFOSDHFOISDHFOhiDSF
OISDJFOIDSJFO <3
well. on music core he looked much cuter than g.dragon o_o
OSUDHFOISDHFOSDHOFSDHOIFHSD TOPP<33 classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=9,0,0,0" id="NFPlayer88481" height="408" width="500">

oh . i'm turning into a big bang fangirl.
aoshdfg
i hate that song. her voice is annoying.
but still. top is in it. which makes it top =3

PSYCHO RADAR

So my brother did something cool for once and I caught him YouTubing again. The nonsense children watch nowadays. Nearly shat myself.
This is one angry german boy.



He shames all gamers.
.. I swear I don't do that.
Computer games are lame anyways. They're for work. Cool people have PlayStations, DS's and PSP's. No Kristie, only fag's have WII's.



I think a second one's a parody. Slighty funnier?
LOL. SPOILT BRAT. ALERT.

ugly or no?

The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason. - John Cage

i know, i know.
you're probably all so sick of quotes that if i post one more, you might burst.
anyhow. whenever i think something is ugly, i don't have a reason either.
but that doesn't change the fact i think it's ugly.
it's just.. ugly o_o
that's why i sometimes go to crazy lengths to try make it pretty. or something i approve of.
thing is, when i'm done, even if it's pretty.. i still don't know why it is.
my lamp was a result of that.
even though i don't think it's as good as i wanted it to be.
i kind of made bobo like that too. i mean, what's the point of creating something if it's going to be ugly?
most people just say "oo beauty is only skin deep"
that's plenty deep enough for me. how deep do you want it to get?
pretty livers and beating hearts aren't really my kinda thing.
all creations should be designed to be appreciated and valued.
.. to bring joy. and possibly a reason to exist. be of some practical use at the very least.
i wish god had thought of that

coz i suck at cutting toenails
\