what what what what are you doing?

cut me out of your life?
CUT ME OUT?

rOARIAROEFDFSF FUCKYOU.

----

and you didn't try didn't try didn't find me
and when i turn around you're following someone new

YOU LOST YOUR SOUL
YOU DIDN'T KNOW
THIS IS A LOW
THIS IS A LOW
this is lowlife

--

i said this before but greed is a fat demon with a small mouth and nomatter how much you feed it, it isn't enough. spoilt brat.

you've always been the same.
why don't you ever, ever, just try consider other people before you for once.
stop crying and look what you have
it's more than me, isn't that enough?

-
is being so vapid great?
you're really pretty
too bad you're one FUCKING ROTTEN APPLE
with maggots and worms and shit in the centre.
LEST ANYONE TAKE A BITE INTO YOU.
i feel sorry for your future husband
then it is biologically proven
men go for the hot chicks.
its all about looks- quite literally.
the youthful ones. the ones who would be more likely to reproduce.
the ones it would be most easy to be able to reproduce. (the easy girls)
well good luck with the bitch of a fish you've landed yourself!
i will have me a smart man who respects me.
and can do math.
(hopefully he exists)
-

lately i've been too content.
too happy. despite my 6 morning classes.
despite people taking shit from me irregardless of how i feel about that
waking up at crazy times in the morning.
actually doing homework.
copping shit for not doing any math

i don't know.
am i smart?
i hate the word. smart.
it suggests something painful
ah! that smarts.
i guess i am better than your average chelt.
much better.
but the word smart sets a standard i have to meet
usually its okay but in exam times and assessments it makes me freak out
if i don't do well then i wont have met expectations
i would have disappointed.
i don't have a habit of disappointing people. or myself
i've been so used to people calling me a dumbshit
esp my own mum who even now does it every day like
'you're not even that smart. maybe you should do something more your level and become a teacher or something'
but i've been beginning to question (because the coaching places i go to have told me i'm actually pretty smart)
maybe i am pretty brainy in my own right
fuck what my mum thinks she's a stupid bitch to start with

maybe i can do whatever i like :)
maybe being a prosecutor/magistrate/judge
being the little unconnected asian girl i am
maybe .. maybe its happenable.
but then these thoughts are also always very dangerous.
usually i end up just disappointing myself.
and that in turn discourages me even more and my self esteem lowers just a tad more D:

but one day! one day i will know!
until then my ultimate destination remains the same i guess.
housewife :)