ovaltini psychology

for the past 3-4 weeks (yearly weeks)
i've been plagued with the same thought over and over again.
what if i were to die tomorrow?
that lead to a
why am i doing this?
what the hell am i doing with my life?
am i happy?
if i were to die tomorrow.. what would i do?
no, it didn't really make me do or say anything i'd like to say before i die..
but it did make me fail all my tests because i stopped caring.
i'm always worrying about tomorow, next week, my future.
looking forward to things, imagining things that might happen later on
and never paying attention to the present.
see, today in itself is such a bother and a worry. tomorrow can look after itself.
why should i have to study a whole week just so in 3 years time i wont fail a series of tests which i need to ace to get in a good university to get a good job- all for what?
to lead a good life i might not even lead?
it never really struck me this hard that if i die, nothing will matter.
then my suffering would have been for nothing.
i'd have been ripped off, and that would you know, really suck.

it also made me realise most of my actions are limited and controlled by fear.
for example i've always wanted to run through a carwash when i was young but my brother said the spinny things will tear my head off and kill me.
so i didn't. not that they'd have let me anyways.
it also keeps me from being honest with certain people about certain things. because i'm afraid it'll affect our relationship long-termwise.
i'm afraid of doing drugs coz i might wind up with nerve problems when im 60
i'm afraid of overreating coz i might get fatter than i already am
i'm .. afraid of making mistakes, of failing, of regretting things of - oh screw this.
watching people get fucked over doesn't help much either, because it just makes me more aware just how dangerous and risky everything is.
which encourages me to hole up in my room in solitary confinement.
i'm going to try stop now. and attempt at living like tomorrow i'm going to die.

but.. im afraid of the consequences that might follow :(
and wishing i never did anything so.. spontaneous.
i'm afraid of a lot of things, im afraid.